place

I'm in Michigan. Millersburg, Michigan to be very exact. It's always interesting to me to watch how I change in different locations, especially when its reflected in my clothing or speech. Today I am wearing long johns, jeans which have been carelessly shoved into large brown and black hiking boots, an undershirt, a t-shirt, a black long sleeved shirt, a flannel shirt with only two buttons together and a puffy blue vest. I left my Kenyan scarf and blue wool mittens at home. My hair, the size of my mother's in the 80s, is up in a messy bun (the back is falling down some, I think, I don't actually know). I look like a good old farm girl from the north woods of Michigan, except I'm typing on a pink Macbook and my phone just vibrated from a new text message. And I don't actually belong here, not completely.

I am twenty-one years old. And being home (because I would call this home, at least my heart home, the place that means the most to me because of roots, where I'm from) is strange. I feel like fourteen all over again, clumsy, ugly and desperately wanting to be independent and self-confident. and you know, to a degree I'm not that anymore. I drive now. I don't ask permission to do things anymore; I do them with only declarations of intent, I don't actually base my decision upon the reaction of anybody I declare my intentions to. And I'm old enough to buy alcohol, which I haven't actually done, but I've given my parents that declaration of intent; of my going down to the liquor store to pick up some finer alcohol. We'll see how that one goes. But also I am more emotionally independent. I don't need to find a place here. Its not a struggle to figure out who I am in this family anymore. I am hannah, and I have come to accept my place to a degree. I know that I am the middle child of the middle child and I am not a son. I know that I am not athletic, talented, or noteworthy. I do what I want and the family generally likes me. Not all the time, but thats okay, it's become a part of my identity in some ways.
But also I still feel grumpy and moody, as if puberty did just hit. There are so many life decisions right now: next summer, next year, after school. And I feel like I'm facing it all without a sense of belonging. There is no where to go home after college, no man, no place. In a way I'm glad. I'm eager for the opportunity to leave, to roam, to figure some more stuff out. But I still haven't figured out how to do it, at least not well. I feel like I should be more ready for this, to live. But instead I feel a bit lonely. Immature and out of place I guess. I love home and family and this place, but I can't stay. and that fact is a little bit scary.